Irrelevant pissedness

Holy, holier than thou batdork! I just love people who preach churchy,pick and choose when they act churchy, but really deep down (even though the rest of us can see it right on the surface) aren't churchy at all. You aren't fooling anyone so why even bother? Is there such a thing as fake it til you make it when it comes to churchyness? (Ya I know that's not a real word) I just really want to glue a mirror on someones face!!!!! If I ever visit a certain store with a red and white round logo, I just may!! And do you even know what visceral means?! riiiiiiiiiiight, I didn't think so!!!!

scream

and you still think you had the last word!!!!!!!!!!!

evil laughter

Crazy Days

To say the last couple of weeks has been crazy would be a gross understatement. I've had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.(almost) On October 30th my little sister sent me an email about some guy contacting her through facebook, looking for me. As usual, I took the paranoid route and thought it was some stalker of a collection guy, my ex, or someone playing a very cruel joke on me. Due to some drama a while back, I made it so no one can send me a message on facebook without being my friend. Well, I decided in light of the situation, I would change that, so I could talk to this mystery person myself. SEVERAL hours later I realized I had been found by a brother (well half-brother I guess-not that it matters to me!), I never knew existed. See, I am adopted and have known my whole life. Well my brother hadn't know. He had just turned 30 on October 22nd and on October
29th found out he had a big sister. He also is not my only brother. The sticky part is that the other three all knew. They had been told at different times throughout their lives. Well this brother named "Jeremy" he started looking that day. He was so determined to find this sister that he took the next day off of work to search. Can you believe it?! Wanna know one of the really cool things about all of this? My husband was supposed to be going on splits with the missionaries(okay they don't call it that anymore but I am SO not up on the lingo) but I started freaking out and jumping around and crying and grabbed his arm and begged him not to leave. I know, kinda pathetic but this was HUGE and I needed him to stay. Isn't that awesome?! Even as bad as things have gotten, he's still my best friend;something I think we've both forgotten. So he stayed and I didn't give it a second thought at the time, but looking back, that was really wonderful of him to stay. He was brilliant over the next few days as I found out about my four brothers and best of all-MY MOMMY!! I IM'd with "Jeremy" and my Mommy as well as sent and received emails from them both and another brother! I got to talk to my Mommy for the first time that Sunday, November 1st-my sisters birthday!(I didn't tell her about this then though, it was her special day after all! I still can't believe she is 25!) Anyway, this has all just been amazing and crazy.
After a few days of joy and utter shock, my husband kinda went back to his normal selfishness for a bit but boy did he really impress me with everything he did to give me my space and let me have a wonderful experience. I wish it could've lasted, but the fighting started again and then he had a relapse which I didn't find out about until just the other day. It really sucked. I wouldn't have found out if I wasn't the sleuth I am but you know, when you feel something is off-it's off! I don't know how to help him get past the whole "look at me, look at me" crap. I really hate this addiction and how all encompassing it is. It really makes a person SO selfish. I don't know, I guess all addictions do. So ya, I had to deal with more drama and heartache during what should have been a stupendously happy time. And it just goes on. Like today ,and now I realize yesterday, where he takes more RX medicine than he should and is then all loopy and acts like an ass. Days like today, I am SO done with having seven children. I want to be a grown-up who is married to a grown-up. As much as I hate to admit it, days like this I really miss my ex. That's pretty bad, I realize that. I know I'm not a rose to be married to either; I have my bitch days as well. I just want the addiction issues to go away. I would so rather deal with who squeezes the toothpaste tube wrong and who doesn't put the toilet paper roll on when it's out, etc. All the dumb little things that most couples fight about(well at least when they are first married) I want someone who loves me and puts me before themself, someone who has the same beliefs, goals, and dreams as me. I want someone who will help me raise my children in the gospel and not someone I feel like I am raising. All of this crap is so taking its toll on my body lately. I am so not even going to try and explain the pain I have been in for the last week. We'll see what happens after tomorrow and the lovely procedure I have done. If nothing else, at least I'm losing weight! Always gotta look for the positive!
So ya, life is crazy and wonderful right now! I know my Heavenly Father loves me so very much! I know he has a plan for my life and wants me to succeed and be happy. He knows that when things are tough it helps me grow. I just have to remember to keep that eternal perspective-everything happens for a reason! I know as much as I want to, I cannot change anyone but myself. I am the only thing standing in my way. I gotta work on the anger and depression issues and be a better person. With my Father and His Son at my side, how can I fail? The road may be long and the journey tough, but the reward is so worth it! HOME!