I found love through heartache

I am on a journey. It is the same journey as before but something has changed.

 I have always been looking for love and acceptance. I think being adopted started that feeling of not being loved completely, not being accepted. At some point, as I got older, I thought my future husband would fit the bill for loving me unconditionally and completely. Twenty-four years of friendship and eighteen years of marriage proved that not even my best friend loved me the way I wanted, and was told, I deserved. I gave, and gave, and GAVE in that relationship but alas, he made different choices. I blogged about some of it and it was the MOST devastating thing that has EVER happened in my life. When my birth mother rejected me for the second time, that was also devastating but it is second to the ending of my marriage. I still miss my best friend deeply. I mourn for the loss of my children not having a father and a "normal" life, as they call it. But we are okay. We are moving on with life the best we can. Not having closure has been hard and we are trying to figure out how to find what works and move on. So what I thought would be my answer to that love I was looking for, wasn't.

But I did get an answer!!

I found that love I was looking for. Oh did I find it. It is awesome and amazing and wonderful! The funny/sad part is that it was there the whole time! I am now trying to teach my children about this wonderful love and have had some beautiful talks with my oldest daughter . She is amazing by the way!
 This love has changed my life! I don't think I would have found this love if I hadn't gone through the heart wrenching trials of the last few years. I sometimes wonder if I had found it earlier in my life, if my marriage would have survived. I look back on many times in my life and have such deep regret. Normally I would let this get me down. But this love is so complete and unconditional that I know I have to forgive myself and move on. I am learning to make each day a little better than the one before. This love is so empowering! I have learned to love myself which is almost as amazing as finally finding love!

My years of searching are over~

I have an amazing Father who loves me unconditionally and completely even when I falter. He always has! He loves me so much He gave up something of great worth that He also loves. That realization was powerful! I have always known He was my Father but I just didn't get how much He loved me. I'm not sure why I didn't know this but I didn't. I thought He was too busy and important. I thought I wasn't good enough. Boy was I wrong! I am a daughter of this amazing being, and He loves me! He has always been there but He never pushed Himself or His love on me. He was waiting for me to come to Him. As a mother of six children, four of which are teenagers, I understand that. Sometimes it's better to let your children come to you as they seek answers, help, etc. Just another way He shows me He loves me!
I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He loves me!!! I found a priceless gift in His love and care for me. I found what I've always been searching for.

I want to share this love with others. Below is one of my favorite talks and the experiences shared, part of one of my favorite movies!
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/10/the-power-of-gods-love

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YIKES!

Wow.
 I can't believe how long it has been.
So much has happened in my life since I last posted on here.
I don't even have the same life!
I think I'm going to start up blogging again.
This time will be different.
I'm not sure why I started blogging but I know why I'm going to start again.
Stay tuned!!

Life

I am learning to embrace a new life. A life that will be unlike any I have ever lived.
Hard times call for introspection, retrospection, and just some...... spection.

My faith has been put to the test. It has been stretched, broken, shattered, all but disappeared. I have lost my faith in people. I have lost faith in the justice system of this country. I have lost faith in family. I have lost faith in friends.I have lost faith in my faith. I even briefly lost faith in God....did He really exist? Does He really care? Does He love me no matter what?

To be honest I have thought over the years that one day I will find out my life is just a joke. Much like what happens to Truman Burbank in the crazy comedy/drama "The Truman Show". My life has no purpose. I am just here for others to do whatever... Just a pawn to see what would happen if we do such and such to someone. And everyone knows it but me! Bizarre? Crazy? Eh whatever....it's all up in the air.

Basically I have rethought everything I ever thought I knew or believed in. I'm still processing it all and occasionally will come up with some knew things to add. But overall, I have started over. I still have kept some core values but they may change...who knows. As I go through this process I know things will change and shift but I am confident that I will find the happiness and peace I so desperately desire. If I don't, then what is the purpose in being? I have come to terms with the fact that I will not see justice in this life. I will not get the "why" answers I so desperately desire. And I am coming to terms with that a little bit each day.

I AM learning to look within:what do I want,need,etc . At times it feels selfish which goes against everything that I have been or believed. Other than eating what I want.....gee is that why I'm so fat? DUH! And watching what I want on the TV...when I have a television . I have mostly been an unselfish person. I do for others. I try to make others happy regardless of what it means to me. I may put up a big front and yes, sometimes I may take a stand. But ultimately I give in. I just never felt that I mattered and I let people treat me that way. I'm still not exactly sure how I did that but I did. Now I have to learn how NOT to do that.

The biggest thing I've learned so far..... I am WORTH it! I am a worthwhile being who deserves to be happy regardless of the thoughtless mistakes of others. I am not owning YOUR mistakes anymore! I am not owning YOUR addictions! I am not taking the blame for YOUR issues! I am not carrying around YOUR guilt ever again! I will NOT be your personal doormat to be walked on! I WILL proclaim the TRUTH until my dying breath, regardless of all the lies trying to refute it. I will make decisions based on what I want and believe, not what others tell me or expect.

I choose to live a life that emulates a scripture found in
Matthew chapter 7:
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

I choose to be a good tree. I want to be a person who brings forth good fruit in my life. I believe if I do this I will be blessed by a loving Father in Heaven as we read in
Doctrine and Covenants section 84 verse 88:
for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up

So here's to the new life I am creating and learning to embrace! <3

Announcing the arrival of..............

After nine long, heartbreaking months of homelessness, among other things I won't mention in this post, we have a house!!! We are all so excited! It is bittersweet- as one of my children mentioned yesterday, " it just doesn't feel like home." No it doesn't and it never really will. Life without a vital member of the family is NEVER the same. We just hope and pray the child support continues to enable us to live in this wonderful new home for years to come. We feel so blessed and know our Heavenly Father is watching over us. We pray continually for our husband/father and son/brother to return to Him again.

Happy house day everyone~a house is blessing you should never take for granted!!

Where to begin

I am realizing how hard it is to write my "first" post. This blog brings back tender feelings that have started to scab over and I don't know that I want to deal with the possibility of them cracking open. I have come a long way since this time last year, the kids too! I never thought I would ever be where I am now in so many ways. BUT here we are, plodding along~good moments and bad days!
The older girls are enjoying girls camp this week(well at least they should be!), "E" has been working,and "O" is just hangin' out and trying to keep cool as I finish up my classes. Tomorrow is a very busy day as I start my clinicals AND have a final class/test, then one more day of clinicals on Friday, and my final-final on Monday! Oh boy I don't know if I'm ready!! Then on to the real world of working for pay.....whew!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack!

I've decide to pick back up and try my hand at this blogging thing again. It will be hit and miss until we aquire our own computer but at least it will be a start! :)

Watching You Self Destruct

I cannot decide which hurts worse, you ignoring me, you abandoning your family, or you self destructing.

No,losing your soul to the evil of the world is what hurts the most.

You are bound so tightly you cannot see what you are doing to yourself, nor anyone else around you.
The denial has been growing day after day, year after year.

Now, you are on your own, and you will have to face the devil in the mirror.
Powerful help is but a prayer away.
Physical help, but an easy phone call.

Will you seek for help or give in once and for all to the misery that has laid claim to you all these years?

I pray that you fight.
That has always been my hope.
No one can do it for you, God knows I have tried.

Now it comes down to you and him.
Who will win?
Will you fight?
Will you struggle to break free from the darkness pulling you down?
There are no fence sitters-please jump to the right side!

Look for the light-it IS in you.
Let Him help you.

We are praying for you.
We love you.
He loves you.




Lucifer said them to you when you left,
now say them back as you rebuke him and his evil~
I'll see ya in anotha life brotha