Life

I am learning to embrace a new life. A life that will be unlike any I have ever lived.
Hard times call for introspection, retrospection, and just some...... spection.

My faith has been put to the test. It has been stretched, broken, shattered, all but disappeared. I have lost my faith in people. I have lost faith in the justice system of this country. I have lost faith in family. I have lost faith in friends.I have lost faith in my faith. I even briefly lost faith in God....did He really exist? Does He really care? Does He love me no matter what?

To be honest I have thought over the years that one day I will find out my life is just a joke. Much like what happens to Truman Burbank in the crazy comedy/drama "The Truman Show". My life has no purpose. I am just here for others to do whatever... Just a pawn to see what would happen if we do such and such to someone. And everyone knows it but me! Bizarre? Crazy? Eh whatever....it's all up in the air.

Basically I have rethought everything I ever thought I knew or believed in. I'm still processing it all and occasionally will come up with some knew things to add. But overall, I have started over. I still have kept some core values but they may change...who knows. As I go through this process I know things will change and shift but I am confident that I will find the happiness and peace I so desperately desire. If I don't, then what is the purpose in being? I have come to terms with the fact that I will not see justice in this life. I will not get the "why" answers I so desperately desire. And I am coming to terms with that a little bit each day.

I AM learning to look within:what do I want,need,etc . At times it feels selfish which goes against everything that I have been or believed. Other than eating what I want.....gee is that why I'm so fat? DUH! And watching what I want on the TV...when I have a television . I have mostly been an unselfish person. I do for others. I try to make others happy regardless of what it means to me. I may put up a big front and yes, sometimes I may take a stand. But ultimately I give in. I just never felt that I mattered and I let people treat me that way. I'm still not exactly sure how I did that but I did. Now I have to learn how NOT to do that.

The biggest thing I've learned so far..... I am WORTH it! I am a worthwhile being who deserves to be happy regardless of the thoughtless mistakes of others. I am not owning YOUR mistakes anymore! I am not owning YOUR addictions! I am not taking the blame for YOUR issues! I am not carrying around YOUR guilt ever again! I will NOT be your personal doormat to be walked on! I WILL proclaim the TRUTH until my dying breath, regardless of all the lies trying to refute it. I will make decisions based on what I want and believe, not what others tell me or expect.

I choose to live a life that emulates a scripture found in
Matthew chapter 7:
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

I choose to be a good tree. I want to be a person who brings forth good fruit in my life. I believe if I do this I will be blessed by a loving Father in Heaven as we read in
Doctrine and Covenants section 84 verse 88:
for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up

So here's to the new life I am creating and learning to embrace! <3