Irrelevant pissedness

Holy, holier than thou batdork! I just love people who preach churchy,pick and choose when they act churchy, but really deep down (even though the rest of us can see it right on the surface) aren't churchy at all. You aren't fooling anyone so why even bother? Is there such a thing as fake it til you make it when it comes to churchyness? (Ya I know that's not a real word) I just really want to glue a mirror on someones face!!!!! If I ever visit a certain store with a red and white round logo, I just may!! And do you even know what visceral means?! riiiiiiiiiiight, I didn't think so!!!!

scream

and you still think you had the last word!!!!!!!!!!!

evil laughter

Crazy Days

To say the last couple of weeks has been crazy would be a gross understatement. I've had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.(almost) On October 30th my little sister sent me an email about some guy contacting her through facebook, looking for me. As usual, I took the paranoid route and thought it was some stalker of a collection guy, my ex, or someone playing a very cruel joke on me. Due to some drama a while back, I made it so no one can send me a message on facebook without being my friend. Well, I decided in light of the situation, I would change that, so I could talk to this mystery person myself. SEVERAL hours later I realized I had been found by a brother (well half-brother I guess-not that it matters to me!), I never knew existed. See, I am adopted and have known my whole life. Well my brother hadn't know. He had just turned 30 on October 22nd and on October
29th found out he had a big sister. He also is not my only brother. The sticky part is that the other three all knew. They had been told at different times throughout their lives. Well this brother named "Jeremy" he started looking that day. He was so determined to find this sister that he took the next day off of work to search. Can you believe it?! Wanna know one of the really cool things about all of this? My husband was supposed to be going on splits with the missionaries(okay they don't call it that anymore but I am SO not up on the lingo) but I started freaking out and jumping around and crying and grabbed his arm and begged him not to leave. I know, kinda pathetic but this was HUGE and I needed him to stay. Isn't that awesome?! Even as bad as things have gotten, he's still my best friend;something I think we've both forgotten. So he stayed and I didn't give it a second thought at the time, but looking back, that was really wonderful of him to stay. He was brilliant over the next few days as I found out about my four brothers and best of all-MY MOMMY!! I IM'd with "Jeremy" and my Mommy as well as sent and received emails from them both and another brother! I got to talk to my Mommy for the first time that Sunday, November 1st-my sisters birthday!(I didn't tell her about this then though, it was her special day after all! I still can't believe she is 25!) Anyway, this has all just been amazing and crazy.
After a few days of joy and utter shock, my husband kinda went back to his normal selfishness for a bit but boy did he really impress me with everything he did to give me my space and let me have a wonderful experience. I wish it could've lasted, but the fighting started again and then he had a relapse which I didn't find out about until just the other day. It really sucked. I wouldn't have found out if I wasn't the sleuth I am but you know, when you feel something is off-it's off! I don't know how to help him get past the whole "look at me, look at me" crap. I really hate this addiction and how all encompassing it is. It really makes a person SO selfish. I don't know, I guess all addictions do. So ya, I had to deal with more drama and heartache during what should have been a stupendously happy time. And it just goes on. Like today ,and now I realize yesterday, where he takes more RX medicine than he should and is then all loopy and acts like an ass. Days like today, I am SO done with having seven children. I want to be a grown-up who is married to a grown-up. As much as I hate to admit it, days like this I really miss my ex. That's pretty bad, I realize that. I know I'm not a rose to be married to either; I have my bitch days as well. I just want the addiction issues to go away. I would so rather deal with who squeezes the toothpaste tube wrong and who doesn't put the toilet paper roll on when it's out, etc. All the dumb little things that most couples fight about(well at least when they are first married) I want someone who loves me and puts me before themself, someone who has the same beliefs, goals, and dreams as me. I want someone who will help me raise my children in the gospel and not someone I feel like I am raising. All of this crap is so taking its toll on my body lately. I am so not even going to try and explain the pain I have been in for the last week. We'll see what happens after tomorrow and the lovely procedure I have done. If nothing else, at least I'm losing weight! Always gotta look for the positive!
So ya, life is crazy and wonderful right now! I know my Heavenly Father loves me so very much! I know he has a plan for my life and wants me to succeed and be happy. He knows that when things are tough it helps me grow. I just have to remember to keep that eternal perspective-everything happens for a reason! I know as much as I want to, I cannot change anyone but myself. I am the only thing standing in my way. I gotta work on the anger and depression issues and be a better person. With my Father and His Son at my side, how can I fail? The road may be long and the journey tough, but the reward is so worth it! HOME!

To The Greatest Pretender

You pretend
You lie
You hide
You cry
Acting a game
The star of your show
I see through it baby,
Just let it go.
It won’t change you,
I know who you are
You are funny and smart.
Not a B movie star.
You say you hate me,
Wish I would die.
I gave you life,
You walked out of mine.
It’s not all my fault,
I wish I knew
How long I must pay-
I didn’t do this to you.

Guess what?

I’m not perfect
Never said that I am
My mistakes are my own
But you don’t give a damn.
You are greedy,
Always thinking you need to be phat,
And so selfish
Boy, I taught you better than that.
Don’t follow in his footsteps
I can’t live that again.
Not for you son,
Please don’t play pretend.
You can’t turn a blind eye
With the world at your feet,
Make the right choice.
Don’t give in to defeat.
Shed the wolf skin,
Let your light shine,
Please son,
You’ll always be mine.
There’s a hole in my heart,
Only you can restore.
I love you my Pookie,
Please be you, once more.

I wrote this today for my oldest son. I haven't dealt with the loss he has left in my life. I guess today was the beginning. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish he would read this and the light bulb would go off above his head. I hope one day common sense makes its way into his life. I need to have faith. I need to pray.

Learning

I have decided that school stinks. Although I am glad that I am attending with my husband. Sometimes it is hard to be with him so much but days like today, I am grateful. Math is really not my forte and I have to be honest in saying-it sucks. Especially when you are made to learn math you will NEVER use on the job. Well, unless I want to work in a pharmacy. Pretty sure I don't! Evidently I was unprofessional in class today. I didn't realize being frustrated meant I was negative. Either way the teacher made an example of me. How embarrassing! She is like a few years younger than me! Eight to be exact. Oh the shame;which only made me more upset. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Oh wait no it won't. We have a quiz. Luckily it isn't on the math! Oh see I am professional and positive! sigh
I have come to realize what a blessing going to school is. Especially with my spouse. He never really did well in school and going undiagnosed with ADHD didn't help. He has done other schooling since we were married and did well two of the times. I was really concerned with him going this time, since it had to do with health care. I have worked in a care center setting twice as a NA and took some classes in college. I remembered how hard it was but he had my full support. He called up this college and was put in contact with a wonderful woman who encouraged him to bring me to their initial meeting. While we were waiting I was watching a television with videos about the college and the programs they offered. He hadn't decided for sure what he wanted to study but as I sat there I said "Hey what if I do this with you?" I have no idea where that came from, I am still having serious health problems and hadn't even thought of getting a job, little alone going to school. I expected him to laugh but he didn't. He actually got excited. So I did it. I jumped in and here I am. I thought certain things might happen, and they have. The whole comparing thing-can't stand it! But I understood it may happen. What I didn't expect was a genuine happiness for me when I did well.That is priceless! He is doing well and I think we have both been amazed! When things are meant to happen then they do~they may be unexplainable but you know what it means. Blessings are abundant even if you feel unworthy to receive them. In His eyes we all are children of worth regardless of our stumblings. We are His priceless treasures.

The First Step Is The Hardest Part

No one wants to hear it;but everyone knows at least one person who does it. It has been around for millennia and will not go away. It ruins lives, marriages, families, businesses, and communities. It knows no boundaries, it is not a respecter of age and it affects people of any class. It is secret. It is shameful. It is rampant. It is ugly. It taunts. It degrades. It is everywhere. You cannot hide from it. You cannot escape it. You cannot banish it once you know about it. You cannot rid yourself of it once you have seen it. Do you know? Have you guessed? It is pornography.

I am the wife of an addict. He has been an addict long before I met him in high school. I do not know when or how but at some point it started. I wish I knew. Maybe somehow that would be the key to unlocking the solution. There is a solution I am sure. I hope. I pray. I cry. I scream. I swear. I wait. I love.

I did not know. I wish I did. But maybe not. Maybe it would not have mattered. I knew something. I knew about the masterbation. It is normal. All men do it. Right? Most women do it. Right? That is what the world says. It is okay. It is not a big deal. It will stop once we are married. But it did not. It was only beginning.

Then the truth. A letter. Hastily written in a haze of drunkeness. A confession. Disbelief. Heart on the floor. Feelings of sadness, fear, hurt, unworthiness, and most of all blame. It was me. I was not pretty. I was not skinny. My hair was wrong. My eyes were wrong. I was too conservative. I was too wild. I wore the wrong clothes. I was not affectionate enough. I was not attentive enough. For two years I blamed myself. I started raising my voice. I started swearing. Just the Bible words. Then the other ones. I started yelling. I was depressed. I was scared. I was suicidal. I was lonely. I was wrong.

Over 15 years later and I know it is not my fault. But I still have those moments. It is not better. In many ways it is worse. My son. Not his. Two at the wedding. Never accepted. Treated as a threat. Jealousy ensued. A two year old baby. Really? Yes. Adopted at 10. Years of struggle. I was always in the middle. How do I choose? It is not fair. This month he will be 18. He has not spoken to me for months. He knows the secret. He hates it. He is a victim. It effects everyone. I love him. I miss him. I feel like a bad mother for staying. How was I to know? What was I to do? I do not know. I just do not know. I ache. I want my baby back home.

Five children. All his. Four close in age. All still at home. All victims. All with problems from living a hellish secret that they do not even know. There have been good times. Vacations, shopping, parties, playing, parks, biking, camping, swimming, amusement parks. All the normal things most families do. On the outside we look normal. On the outside he looks normal. Everyone likes him. He is friendly. He is talkative. He is laid back. He goes to church. He works. He takes care of his home. He drives a car. He is normal. He is NOT.

Secrets have scarred me. Secrets have scarred my children. Secrets have scarred my marriage. Now the secret is out. Now it has lost its power. The secret is free. And through this act, so are we. Please, let it be.

The beginning is the hardest part. So they say. I hope they are right. We are beginning a journey. A backwards journey. Like having Alzheimers disease and working backward to a healthy newborn. He is pornography. That is his Alzheimers. All he is, is his addiction. But I have seen him. The him I knew before this life. I have seen who he can be. And somewhere deep inside, he knows it too. And so I am still here. Hoping. Praying. Crying. Waiting. Loving.