You pretend
You lie
You hide
You cry
Acting a game
The star of your show
I see through it baby,
Just let it go.
It won’t change you,
I know who you are
You are funny and smart.
Not a B movie star.
You say you hate me,
Wish I would die.
I gave you life,
You walked out of mine.
It’s not all my fault,
I wish I knew
How long I must pay-
I didn’t do this to you.
Guess what?
I’m not perfect
Never said that I am
My mistakes are my own
But you don’t give a damn.
You are greedy,
Always thinking you need to be phat,
And so selfish
Boy, I taught you better than that.
Don’t follow in his footsteps
I can’t live that again.
Not for you son,
Please don’t play pretend.
You can’t turn a blind eye
With the world at your feet,
Make the right choice.
Don’t give in to defeat.
Shed the wolf skin,
Let your light shine,
Please son,
You’ll always be mine.
There’s a hole in my heart,
Only you can restore.
I love you my Pookie,
Please be you, once more.
I wrote this today for my oldest son. I haven't dealt with the loss he has left in my life. I guess today was the beginning. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish he would read this and the light bulb would go off above his head. I hope one day common sense makes its way into his life. I need to have faith. I need to pray.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Learning
I have decided that school stinks. Although I am glad that I am attending with my husband. Sometimes it is hard to be with him so much but days like today, I am grateful. Math is really not my forte and I have to be honest in saying-it sucks. Especially when you are made to learn math you will NEVER use on the job. Well, unless I want to work in a pharmacy. Pretty sure I don't! Evidently I was unprofessional in class today. I didn't realize being frustrated meant I was negative. Either way the teacher made an example of me. How embarrassing! She is like a few years younger than me! Eight to be exact. Oh the shame;which only made me more upset. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Oh wait no it won't. We have a quiz. Luckily it isn't on the math! Oh see I am professional and positive! sigh
I have come to realize what a blessing going to school is. Especially with my spouse. He never really did well in school and going undiagnosed with ADHD didn't help. He has done other schooling since we were married and did well two of the times. I was really concerned with him going this time, since it had to do with health care. I have worked in a care center setting twice as a NA and took some classes in college. I remembered how hard it was but he had my full support. He called up this college and was put in contact with a wonderful woman who encouraged him to bring me to their initial meeting. While we were waiting I was watching a television with videos about the college and the programs they offered. He hadn't decided for sure what he wanted to study but as I sat there I said "Hey what if I do this with you?" I have no idea where that came from, I am still having serious health problems and hadn't even thought of getting a job, little alone going to school. I expected him to laugh but he didn't. He actually got excited. So I did it. I jumped in and here I am. I thought certain things might happen, and they have. The whole comparing thing-can't stand it! But I understood it may happen. What I didn't expect was a genuine happiness for me when I did well.That is priceless! He is doing well and I think we have both been amazed! When things are meant to happen then they do~they may be unexplainable but you know what it means. Blessings are abundant even if you feel unworthy to receive them. In His eyes we all are children of worth regardless of our stumblings. We are His priceless treasures.
I have come to realize what a blessing going to school is. Especially with my spouse. He never really did well in school and going undiagnosed with ADHD didn't help. He has done other schooling since we were married and did well two of the times. I was really concerned with him going this time, since it had to do with health care. I have worked in a care center setting twice as a NA and took some classes in college. I remembered how hard it was but he had my full support. He called up this college and was put in contact with a wonderful woman who encouraged him to bring me to their initial meeting. While we were waiting I was watching a television with videos about the college and the programs they offered. He hadn't decided for sure what he wanted to study but as I sat there I said "Hey what if I do this with you?" I have no idea where that came from, I am still having serious health problems and hadn't even thought of getting a job, little alone going to school. I expected him to laugh but he didn't. He actually got excited. So I did it. I jumped in and here I am. I thought certain things might happen, and they have. The whole comparing thing-can't stand it! But I understood it may happen. What I didn't expect was a genuine happiness for me when I did well.That is priceless! He is doing well and I think we have both been amazed! When things are meant to happen then they do~they may be unexplainable but you know what it means. Blessings are abundant even if you feel unworthy to receive them. In His eyes we all are children of worth regardless of our stumblings. We are His priceless treasures.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The First Step Is The Hardest Part
No one wants to hear it;but everyone knows at least one person who does it. It has been around for millennia and will not go away. It ruins lives, marriages, families, businesses, and communities. It knows no boundaries, it is not a respecter of age and it affects people of any class. It is secret. It is shameful. It is rampant. It is ugly. It taunts. It degrades. It is everywhere. You cannot hide from it. You cannot escape it. You cannot banish it once you know about it. You cannot rid yourself of it once you have seen it. Do you know? Have you guessed? It is pornography.
I am the wife of an addict. He has been an addict long before I met him in high school. I do not know when or how but at some point it started. I wish I knew. Maybe somehow that would be the key to unlocking the solution. There is a solution I am sure. I hope. I pray. I cry. I scream. I swear. I wait. I love.
I did not know. I wish I did. But maybe not. Maybe it would not have mattered. I knew something. I knew about the masterbation. It is normal. All men do it. Right? Most women do it. Right? That is what the world says. It is okay. It is not a big deal. It will stop once we are married. But it did not. It was only beginning.
Then the truth. A letter. Hastily written in a haze of drunkeness. A confession. Disbelief. Heart on the floor. Feelings of sadness, fear, hurt, unworthiness, and most of all blame. It was me. I was not pretty. I was not skinny. My hair was wrong. My eyes were wrong. I was too conservative. I was too wild. I wore the wrong clothes. I was not affectionate enough. I was not attentive enough. For two years I blamed myself. I started raising my voice. I started swearing. Just the Bible words. Then the other ones. I started yelling. I was depressed. I was scared. I was suicidal. I was lonely. I was wrong.
Over 15 years later and I know it is not my fault. But I still have those moments. It is not better. In many ways it is worse. My son. Not his. Two at the wedding. Never accepted. Treated as a threat. Jealousy ensued. A two year old baby. Really? Yes. Adopted at 10. Years of struggle. I was always in the middle. How do I choose? It is not fair. This month he will be 18. He has not spoken to me for months. He knows the secret. He hates it. He is a victim. It effects everyone. I love him. I miss him. I feel like a bad mother for staying. How was I to know? What was I to do? I do not know. I just do not know. I ache. I want my baby back home.
Five children. All his. Four close in age. All still at home. All victims. All with problems from living a hellish secret that they do not even know. There have been good times. Vacations, shopping, parties, playing, parks, biking, camping, swimming, amusement parks. All the normal things most families do. On the outside we look normal. On the outside he looks normal. Everyone likes him. He is friendly. He is talkative. He is laid back. He goes to church. He works. He takes care of his home. He drives a car. He is normal. He is NOT.
Secrets have scarred me. Secrets have scarred my children. Secrets have scarred my marriage. Now the secret is out. Now it has lost its power. The secret is free. And through this act, so are we. Please, let it be.
The beginning is the hardest part. So they say. I hope they are right. We are beginning a journey. A backwards journey. Like having Alzheimers disease and working backward to a healthy newborn. He is pornography. That is his Alzheimers. All he is, is his addiction. But I have seen him. The him I knew before this life. I have seen who he can be. And somewhere deep inside, he knows it too. And so I am still here. Hoping. Praying. Crying. Waiting. Loving.
I am the wife of an addict. He has been an addict long before I met him in high school. I do not know when or how but at some point it started. I wish I knew. Maybe somehow that would be the key to unlocking the solution. There is a solution I am sure. I hope. I pray. I cry. I scream. I swear. I wait. I love.
I did not know. I wish I did. But maybe not. Maybe it would not have mattered. I knew something. I knew about the masterbation. It is normal. All men do it. Right? Most women do it. Right? That is what the world says. It is okay. It is not a big deal. It will stop once we are married. But it did not. It was only beginning.
Then the truth. A letter. Hastily written in a haze of drunkeness. A confession. Disbelief. Heart on the floor. Feelings of sadness, fear, hurt, unworthiness, and most of all blame. It was me. I was not pretty. I was not skinny. My hair was wrong. My eyes were wrong. I was too conservative. I was too wild. I wore the wrong clothes. I was not affectionate enough. I was not attentive enough. For two years I blamed myself. I started raising my voice. I started swearing. Just the Bible words. Then the other ones. I started yelling. I was depressed. I was scared. I was suicidal. I was lonely. I was wrong.
Over 15 years later and I know it is not my fault. But I still have those moments. It is not better. In many ways it is worse. My son. Not his. Two at the wedding. Never accepted. Treated as a threat. Jealousy ensued. A two year old baby. Really? Yes. Adopted at 10. Years of struggle. I was always in the middle. How do I choose? It is not fair. This month he will be 18. He has not spoken to me for months. He knows the secret. He hates it. He is a victim. It effects everyone. I love him. I miss him. I feel like a bad mother for staying. How was I to know? What was I to do? I do not know. I just do not know. I ache. I want my baby back home.
Five children. All his. Four close in age. All still at home. All victims. All with problems from living a hellish secret that they do not even know. There have been good times. Vacations, shopping, parties, playing, parks, biking, camping, swimming, amusement parks. All the normal things most families do. On the outside we look normal. On the outside he looks normal. Everyone likes him. He is friendly. He is talkative. He is laid back. He goes to church. He works. He takes care of his home. He drives a car. He is normal. He is NOT.
Secrets have scarred me. Secrets have scarred my children. Secrets have scarred my marriage. Now the secret is out. Now it has lost its power. The secret is free. And through this act, so are we. Please, let it be.
The beginning is the hardest part. So they say. I hope they are right. We are beginning a journey. A backwards journey. Like having Alzheimers disease and working backward to a healthy newborn. He is pornography. That is his Alzheimers. All he is, is his addiction. But I have seen him. The him I knew before this life. I have seen who he can be. And somewhere deep inside, he knows it too. And so I am still here. Hoping. Praying. Crying. Waiting. Loving.
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