Life

I am learning to embrace a new life. A life that will be unlike any I have ever lived.
Hard times call for introspection, retrospection, and just some...... spection.

My faith has been put to the test. It has been stretched, broken, shattered, all but disappeared. I have lost my faith in people. I have lost faith in the justice system of this country. I have lost faith in family. I have lost faith in friends.I have lost faith in my faith. I even briefly lost faith in God....did He really exist? Does He really care? Does He love me no matter what?

To be honest I have thought over the years that one day I will find out my life is just a joke. Much like what happens to Truman Burbank in the crazy comedy/drama "The Truman Show". My life has no purpose. I am just here for others to do whatever... Just a pawn to see what would happen if we do such and such to someone. And everyone knows it but me! Bizarre? Crazy? Eh whatever....it's all up in the air.

Basically I have rethought everything I ever thought I knew or believed in. I'm still processing it all and occasionally will come up with some knew things to add. But overall, I have started over. I still have kept some core values but they may change...who knows. As I go through this process I know things will change and shift but I am confident that I will find the happiness and peace I so desperately desire. If I don't, then what is the purpose in being? I have come to terms with the fact that I will not see justice in this life. I will not get the "why" answers I so desperately desire. And I am coming to terms with that a little bit each day.

I AM learning to look within:what do I want,need,etc . At times it feels selfish which goes against everything that I have been or believed. Other than eating what I want.....gee is that why I'm so fat? DUH! And watching what I want on the TV...when I have a television . I have mostly been an unselfish person. I do for others. I try to make others happy regardless of what it means to me. I may put up a big front and yes, sometimes I may take a stand. But ultimately I give in. I just never felt that I mattered and I let people treat me that way. I'm still not exactly sure how I did that but I did. Now I have to learn how NOT to do that.

The biggest thing I've learned so far..... I am WORTH it! I am a worthwhile being who deserves to be happy regardless of the thoughtless mistakes of others. I am not owning YOUR mistakes anymore! I am not owning YOUR addictions! I am not taking the blame for YOUR issues! I am not carrying around YOUR guilt ever again! I will NOT be your personal doormat to be walked on! I WILL proclaim the TRUTH until my dying breath, regardless of all the lies trying to refute it. I will make decisions based on what I want and believe, not what others tell me or expect.

I choose to live a life that emulates a scripture found in
Matthew chapter 7:
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

I choose to be a good tree. I want to be a person who brings forth good fruit in my life. I believe if I do this I will be blessed by a loving Father in Heaven as we read in
Doctrine and Covenants section 84 verse 88:
for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up

So here's to the new life I am creating and learning to embrace! <3

Announcing the arrival of..............

After nine long, heartbreaking months of homelessness, among other things I won't mention in this post, we have a house!!! We are all so excited! It is bittersweet- as one of my children mentioned yesterday, " it just doesn't feel like home." No it doesn't and it never really will. Life without a vital member of the family is NEVER the same. We just hope and pray the child support continues to enable us to live in this wonderful new home for years to come. We feel so blessed and know our Heavenly Father is watching over us. We pray continually for our husband/father and son/brother to return to Him again.

Happy house day everyone~a house is blessing you should never take for granted!!

Where to begin

I am realizing how hard it is to write my "first" post. This blog brings back tender feelings that have started to scab over and I don't know that I want to deal with the possibility of them cracking open. I have come a long way since this time last year, the kids too! I never thought I would ever be where I am now in so many ways. BUT here we are, plodding along~good moments and bad days!
The older girls are enjoying girls camp this week(well at least they should be!), "E" has been working,and "O" is just hangin' out and trying to keep cool as I finish up my classes. Tomorrow is a very busy day as I start my clinicals AND have a final class/test, then one more day of clinicals on Friday, and my final-final on Monday! Oh boy I don't know if I'm ready!! Then on to the real world of working for pay.....whew!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack!

I've decide to pick back up and try my hand at this blogging thing again. It will be hit and miss until we aquire our own computer but at least it will be a start! :)