Speechless

There is no word to describe what happened in that moment when I first realized what this meant. The feelings and thoughts will never be forgotten but to describe them in one word,well that would be impossible. I thought that I'd felt every rotten feeling known to mankind but I was oh so wrong. Speechless is what this has left me. Utterly lacking for words. I expect any day for a tornado or hurricane or volcanic eruption,something,anything, to sweep away my family and home. It really can't get much worse.

Don't tell me this doesn't matter. Don't tell me justice will be served one day in the future when God is the judge. It doesn't take away the hell I am in. Humankind has let me down in a way I didn't know existed. This country has left me feeling defeated til I can't even move. There is NO justice in our courts and there are NO lawyers who are in it to do the right thing. Journalism has NO LAWS. School districts and those they employ can do whatever the **** they want regardless of who they hurt in the process, ESPECIALLY innocent children.

THE LAST DAYS?! HELL YES THEY ARE HERE!!!!!! And guess what? I HATE them. I am so unprepared for how evil they are and the range of people that get sucked into the darkness they provide. CHANGE? I wish! HOPE? How can there be? How fitting in these last days to have those two words thrown around. Too bad the change that continues to happen snuffs out any hope for the struggling few trying to make this a better place to be.


Honesty, Integrity, Responsibility, Humility, Charity, oh how we need you!

"THE" plan

I've been giving a lot of thought to "THE" plan lately. You know, the one where we come here to get a body and all that stuff. It hasn't made sense to me for a while now. Like none of it, at all. So,I think it's time to go back to the beginning. That's right-it's Bible time. I need to know and understand that book of God like no other. Even Isaiah!
I don't know if I'm scared not "knowing" as much as just feeling lost and kinda bummed. It just doesn't work for me like it used to. Realizing that you really are on your own solo journey with only God and His Son, as well as the Holy Spirit.....it's just something I've never had to think about, and leaves me feeling lonely.I was taught to believe in family but now I know that it is just a fairy tale. I am an individual and my salvation does not rest on anyone but me and thankfully my Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't know why the last several months have put me here but I believe there is an answer out there somewhere. Now just if I can find it.......................



Oh and by the way-----mean, selfish, fake people SUCK

Christlike much?

One day, OUT OF THE BLUE, this arrived:

You pride yourself in speaking your mind. Telling people what you think…pulling no punches.



I’m going to be honest with you. I do not want to continue this relationship. I do not feel good about it. You truly belong to the ________(family name). I only gave you a body.



I will be glad to answer questions you may have about family history.



Sincerely

A Friend and Forgiveness

I am so thankful to have a wonderful friend who isn't afraid to talk about life, share struggles, express joy, and set a wonderful example. She also doesn't judge or reject me for my problems and imperfections. We are all here to help each other. We ALL have things happen in life-good and bad, sad and happy. It is hard to not make excuses for poor choices, past life, and thoughtlessness~but we are all human. We all make mistakes and we all hurt. We also feel joy and happiness. We can be forgiven and we can forgive. We can let others take the blame for their mistakes instead of burdening ourselves with guilt. We need to forgive ourselves and move forward. Forgiveness is a beautiful gift. It blesses my life. I learn more about it every day and how to use it in my life. Thank you my dear, sweet friend for reminding me of who I am, where I came from and where I am going.

Wishes aren't always what they seem

"Be careful what you wish for."
I can't count how many times I've heard that over my longish life. Not necessarily said to me directly, but something you just hear every so often. I understand that saying and it's implied 'threat' is very real. Whether it's a wish, hope, or prayer~we don't always know what's best for us.

I have a lot to learn about myself. I think I know what's best for me but I am usually wrong. That's a pretty self-defeating thing to have happen. I am realizing that I have a long way to go and to some extent know what to do to get there. I just need to be sure to listen to the right influences.

Now I know I need to stop expecting things.
I will never get what I want on this round ball.

One thing I've wanted more than anything since I was very small, will not be realized in this life. It is a crushing blow, but if I'm honest, I think I've known that my whole life. I don't know why my life has been the way it has but I have faith there is a purpose. I'm starting to see it and maybe even a light at the end of a long, very dark tunnel. I just wish I didn't have to physically walk the path alone. I know I'm not alone spiritually~I never have been, even if I've thought it.

I did get one wish that I'd wanted since I was tiny. Again, it was not what I expected. It healed me inside and I have to hang on to that very important fact and the wonderful Spiritual experience it provided me. Unfortunately it has caused rifts in long-standing relationships and those barely begun. This has been most confusing and sad. Times like this I want to...
Run away and hide.
Drop off the radar.
Be as if I never was.
Is it funny or sad that they wouldn't really notice? Par for the course in my book.

I now only have one more wish. This is a safe wish. I know it's up to me to achieve it. I know I will have help, even if I can't see it. Why do I feel so different? Why do I see things in ways no one else does? Life makes things so much more complicated. It would be so easy if I was by myself, but I'm not. Making it all work has always been a challenge and I know it may get worse. Do what needs to be done regardless of anyone or anything!

Wish me luck! :)

Irrelevant pissedness

Holy, holier than thou batdork! I just love people who preach churchy,pick and choose when they act churchy, but really deep down (even though the rest of us can see it right on the surface) aren't churchy at all. You aren't fooling anyone so why even bother? Is there such a thing as fake it til you make it when it comes to churchyness? (Ya I know that's not a real word) I just really want to glue a mirror on someones face!!!!! If I ever visit a certain store with a red and white round logo, I just may!! And do you even know what visceral means?! riiiiiiiiiiight, I didn't think so!!!!

scream

and you still think you had the last word!!!!!!!!!!!

evil laughter

Crazy Days

To say the last couple of weeks has been crazy would be a gross understatement. I've had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.(almost) On October 30th my little sister sent me an email about some guy contacting her through facebook, looking for me. As usual, I took the paranoid route and thought it was some stalker of a collection guy, my ex, or someone playing a very cruel joke on me. Due to some drama a while back, I made it so no one can send me a message on facebook without being my friend. Well, I decided in light of the situation, I would change that, so I could talk to this mystery person myself. SEVERAL hours later I realized I had been found by a brother (well half-brother I guess-not that it matters to me!), I never knew existed. See, I am adopted and have known my whole life. Well my brother hadn't know. He had just turned 30 on October 22nd and on October
29th found out he had a big sister. He also is not my only brother. The sticky part is that the other three all knew. They had been told at different times throughout their lives. Well this brother named "Jeremy" he started looking that day. He was so determined to find this sister that he took the next day off of work to search. Can you believe it?! Wanna know one of the really cool things about all of this? My husband was supposed to be going on splits with the missionaries(okay they don't call it that anymore but I am SO not up on the lingo) but I started freaking out and jumping around and crying and grabbed his arm and begged him not to leave. I know, kinda pathetic but this was HUGE and I needed him to stay. Isn't that awesome?! Even as bad as things have gotten, he's still my best friend;something I think we've both forgotten. So he stayed and I didn't give it a second thought at the time, but looking back, that was really wonderful of him to stay. He was brilliant over the next few days as I found out about my four brothers and best of all-MY MOMMY!! I IM'd with "Jeremy" and my Mommy as well as sent and received emails from them both and another brother! I got to talk to my Mommy for the first time that Sunday, November 1st-my sisters birthday!(I didn't tell her about this then though, it was her special day after all! I still can't believe she is 25!) Anyway, this has all just been amazing and crazy.
After a few days of joy and utter shock, my husband kinda went back to his normal selfishness for a bit but boy did he really impress me with everything he did to give me my space and let me have a wonderful experience. I wish it could've lasted, but the fighting started again and then he had a relapse which I didn't find out about until just the other day. It really sucked. I wouldn't have found out if I wasn't the sleuth I am but you know, when you feel something is off-it's off! I don't know how to help him get past the whole "look at me, look at me" crap. I really hate this addiction and how all encompassing it is. It really makes a person SO selfish. I don't know, I guess all addictions do. So ya, I had to deal with more drama and heartache during what should have been a stupendously happy time. And it just goes on. Like today ,and now I realize yesterday, where he takes more RX medicine than he should and is then all loopy and acts like an ass. Days like today, I am SO done with having seven children. I want to be a grown-up who is married to a grown-up. As much as I hate to admit it, days like this I really miss my ex. That's pretty bad, I realize that. I know I'm not a rose to be married to either; I have my bitch days as well. I just want the addiction issues to go away. I would so rather deal with who squeezes the toothpaste tube wrong and who doesn't put the toilet paper roll on when it's out, etc. All the dumb little things that most couples fight about(well at least when they are first married) I want someone who loves me and puts me before themself, someone who has the same beliefs, goals, and dreams as me. I want someone who will help me raise my children in the gospel and not someone I feel like I am raising. All of this crap is so taking its toll on my body lately. I am so not even going to try and explain the pain I have been in for the last week. We'll see what happens after tomorrow and the lovely procedure I have done. If nothing else, at least I'm losing weight! Always gotta look for the positive!
So ya, life is crazy and wonderful right now! I know my Heavenly Father loves me so very much! I know he has a plan for my life and wants me to succeed and be happy. He knows that when things are tough it helps me grow. I just have to remember to keep that eternal perspective-everything happens for a reason! I know as much as I want to, I cannot change anyone but myself. I am the only thing standing in my way. I gotta work on the anger and depression issues and be a better person. With my Father and His Son at my side, how can I fail? The road may be long and the journey tough, but the reward is so worth it! HOME!